I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
