Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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