You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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