I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
