Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
