Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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