I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
