Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
