Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
