I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
