I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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