So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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