I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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