i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
