take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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