Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
