if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
