Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
