we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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