??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
