My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Pants are for mortals
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
