I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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