It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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