Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Can i not drive my cunt home
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
