I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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