A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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