He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
