I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dicks are not precious.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
