I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i wish my penis had a tongue
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Congratulations! We have a period
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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