yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
