I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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