Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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