I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
