I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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