so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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