Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
