I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
