she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
