She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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