News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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