a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
it glows. i had to have it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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