Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
