i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
