so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
