Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think my moral compass just broke
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
