The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
