omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
