Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
