Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Randomize
