How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
