she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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